Nuclear Family Values

(a radio play)

by

Dan Harvey Pedrick



Cast of Characters:

The Carswell Family:

Donny Carswell - a boy of seven years

Darla - his sister, twelve years

Delfie (Mom) - the mother

Delbert (Daddy, Dad) - the father

Donald (Granpa, Dad) - the grandfather

Elementary Teacher - a mature woman

Norbert - the neighbour

Delivery Man - a young man





Scene One: The Carswell family home at dinnertime

1. MUSIC: THEME ("SCMALTZY WALTZ" played on Hammond B-3

organ) ESTABLISH, FADE UNDER

2. SOUND: CLATTERING OF DISHES AND SILVERWARE

3. MOM: Darla! Donny! It's dinnertime! Have you washed

your little hands and faces?

4. KIDS: Yes, Mommy! Com-ing!

5. SOUND: MORE CLATTERING AND KNOCKING OF CHAIRS, UNDER

6. MOM: C'mon, Darling! C'mon, Dad.

7. DARLA: Mommy, Donny didn't wash his ha-ands.

8. DONNY: I did too!

9. DARLA: He didn't use soap. He just stuck them under the

water for about one second!

10. MOM: Alright, young man. C'mon, now! Show them to

your Daddy. [BEAT]

11. DEL: Hmmmph. [BEAT] Show them to your mother.

12. MOM: Open them up. Let me see your fingies... Oh, no.

You go right back and wash them with soap, little

man, or no Lone Ranger tonight.

13. SOUND: DONNY STOMPING AWAY

14. DONNY (Whines).

15. MOM Now, none of that, or--

16. DONNY: (Screams furiously from down the hall) ...and I

don't want any of that cheese on my spaghetti!

17. MOM: Well! I think I know a grouchy bear who better

go to bed early tonight.

18. DARLA: ...at seven-thirty, right when the Lone Ranger

comes on the radio. Right Mommy?



Scene one (cont.)

1. MOM: ...if he doesn't come right back in here and mind

his P's and Q's...

2. SOUND: DINNERTIME CLATTERING, CONTINUE UNDER

3. GRANPA: Aw, pshaw!

4. MOM: Del, help Dad with his napkin, will you? Darla!

Don't do that! Donny doesn't want more cheese on

his spaghetti! [BEAT] How was your day dear?

5. DEL: Hmmph. Fine.

6. MOM: And how about you, Dad? Did you see some of your

old friends downtown?

7. GRANPA: Eh? Old friends? What old friends? My old

friends are all dead and gone.

8. MOM: Oh, Baloney. Now let's see those hands,

Donny. Ah! That's better!

9. GRANPA: I was born in 1865, the same day Lincoln was shot.

There aren't many people left who can say that.

10. MOM: Yes, we know, Dad.

11. DONNY: Why did Lincoln get shot, Granpa?

12. SOUND: DOG YELPS

13. MOM: Oops! Out you go, Toby!

14. SOUND: DOG WHINES

15. SOUND: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

16. MOM: Now, then...

17. GRANPA: The rebels shot him, son, just like they shot Uncle

Rexford.

18. KIDS: (Giggle.)

19. MOM: Oh, Dad! You and your Uncle Rexford! Pass the

butter, Del, please. [BEAT] Thank you, Dear.

20. SOUND: DINNERTIME CLATTERING, FADE

Scene Two: Carswell children's bedroom

1. SOUND: BOUNCING BEDSPRINGS, CONTINUE UNDER

2. DARLA: ...twenty-six... twenty-seven... twenty-eight...

3. DONNY: I'm the Lone Ranger tonight!

4. DARLA: ...thirty... No you're not. You're Tonto.

...thirty-two... thirty-three...

5. DONNY: (At the top of his lungs) I am not!

6. DARLA: ...thirty-six... Yes you are! Anyway, Lupita

Mendez told me at school what Tonto means...

thirty-nine... forty...

7. DONNY: What?

8. DARLA: ...forty-two... forty-three... It means "dumb",

and that's you, Donny. Forty-five... forty-

six... Dumb!

9. DONNY: (At the top of his lungs) I am not!

10. DEL: (Shouts from other room) If I have to come in

there...! And stop that infernal jumping, do you

hear?

11. DARLA: ...forty-nine... fifty! (Stops, shouts) What

time is it, Mommy?

12. MOM: Almost seven-thirty, just about time to listen

to the Lone Ranger, but only when you've got your

jammies on.

13. DARLA: I've got mine on, but Donny doesn't! [BEAT]

14. SOUND: MOM'S APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

15. MOM: Now, then. Get into these jammies, Donny. [BEAT]

OK, I'll turn the radio on--until I hear any more

shenanigans in here. Then, it goes off.

Understand?

16. KIDS Yes, Mommy.

Scene Two (cont.):

1. ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our regular program to bring you

this special bulletin. Please stand by...

2. DONNY: Awww! What the...

3. DARLA: I'll get Mommy!

4. SOUND: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING DOWN THE HALL

5. DARLA: (Shouts) Mommy! Mommy! (Returns) Daddy!

Granpa! Come! Listen!

6. SOUND: TELETYPE MACHINES, UP [BEAT]

7. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, word has just been received

from our NBC newsroom in New York that Joe Stalin

is dead. We will bring you further bulletins as

they become available. We now return to our

regularly scheduled program.

8. DEL: Hurray! That dirty bum is gone!

9. MOM: Oh my goodness, what a relief!

10. DARLA: Yaaay! Stalin's dead!

11. SOUND: DARLA CLAPPING

12. GRANPA: Who is it? See? There's another one gone!

13. DONNY: Who the hell is Joe Stalin?

14. MOM: Donny!

15. SOUND: LONE RANGER PROGRAM RETURNS

16. TONTO: Be careful, Kimo-sobby. Geronimo... him heap bad

Indian.

17. RANGER: I know, Tonto, but whatever happens to me, he'll

never get away with this, because we have the Law

on our side.

18. TONTO: You right, Kimo-sobby...

19. SOUND: OVERTURE, FADE UP & OUT



Scene Three: School classroom

1. SOUND: SCHOOL BELL

2. SOUND: CHILDREN STIRRING

3. TEACHER: Wait! Get right back in those seats! [BEAT]

Sitting straight... Hands folded in front of

you... [BEAT] That's better. Alright. Row

three may go...

4. SOUND: FOOTSTEPS OF SIX STUDENTS QUIETLY LEAVING

5. TEACHER: Alright. Row one may go...

6. SOUND: FOOTSTEPS OF SIX STUDENTS QUIETLY LEAVING, FADE



Scene Four: Schoolyard

1. SOUND: SCHOOLYARD NOISE, VOICES, UNDER

2. DARLA: C'mon, Donny. You know I have to walk you home.

3. DONNY: Why?

4. DARLA: Mom said... 'cause your too little to cross the

highway. Now gimme your hand.

5. DONNY: I'm coming! But I'm not holding your hand like

some girl !

6. DARLA: Well keep up, then, or I'm telling. [BEAT]

7. DONNY: Lone Ranger tonight, boy!

8. DARLA: Tomorrow night. But I'm not listening. I'm invited

to Cathy's to see their new television.

9. DONNY: What's a television?

10. DARLA: It's like the movies, silly, 'cept it's right in

your house.

11. DONNY: Oh... yeah...

12. DARLA: Oh yeah, he says. You don't even know what it is!

Do you, Numbskull? [BEAT]

13. DONNY: Yes I do! [BEAT] Uh, is it like the radio?

14. DARLA: Sort of, but there's pictures, too. It has a

little screen and everything. [BEAT]

15. DONNY: ... Wow! [BEAT] [BEAT] Darla, we gotta get one!

16. DARLA: Yeah, I know. We better start asking Daddy.



Scene Five: Carswell family yard

1. SOUND: CAR ENTERING DRIVEWAY, STOPS, DOOR OPENS & CLOSES

2. SOUND: PUP'S HAPPY BARKING, UNDER

3. KIDS: Daddy! Can we get a television? Can we? Huh?

4. DEL: Arghhh! Not now! I just got home from work, OK?

5. DONNY: C'mon, Daddy.

6. DARLA: The Johnsons have one, Daddy. It's real neat!

7. DEL: Hmmm. They do, do they?

8. KIDS: Yeah, they do! C'mon, Daddy. Please?





Scene Six: Carswell family dinner table

1. SOUND: DINNERTIME CLATTER, UNDER

2. MOM: Donny, macaroni noodles are food, not tinkertoys.

And use your fork.

3. DARLA: Mommy, can we get a television like the Johnsons

have?

4. MOM: Well, that's a pretty big decision, dear.

Better ask your father about that.

5. DEL: (A deep sigh.)

6. MOM: Is that all you have to say, Darling?

7. DEL: They're a couple hundred dollars. And where

would we put it?

8. MOM: Well, if we move that old table of Dad's..

9. GRANPA: Move what?

10. MOM: (Louder) I say, move your old table. I mean,

wouldn't you rather have it in your room anyway?

11. GRANPA: Well, it was Uncle Rexford's table. Why do you

want to move it?

12. MOM: Because we're getting a television.

13. DEL: We Are?

14. KIDS: Yaaay!

15. GRANPA: What in the hell are you talking about?

16. MOM: Dad, please! The children!

17. KIDS: Yaaay! We're getting a television. Mom sa-aid!

18. GRANPA: Aw, Pshaw!

19. MOM: Del, Dad's napkin...





Scene Seven: The Carswell home

1. SOUND: DOORBELL

2. KIDS: It's here, everybody! It's here! Oh, boy!

3. SOUND: RUNNING FEET

4. MOM: Now you kids just hold your horses! I'll get it.

5. SOUND: DOOR OPENING

6. MOM: Hello.

7. TV MAN: Hello, Mrs. Carswell. We have a brand new

Sylvania television set here for you.

8. KIDS: Yaay! Yaay!

9. MOM: Now you two hush! Yes, bring it right in. We're all

ready for it. My husband is just now up on the

roof mounting the antenna.

10. TV MAN: OK, that's swell, Mrs. Carswell. Could you just

hold the door open for us? It's pretty big and

heavy, and all.

11. MOM: Of course. Children, go tell Daddy the

television's here. And don't startle Granpa--he's

holding the ladder.

12. KIDS: OK! Let's go!

13. SOUND: FEET STAMPEDING AWAY

14. KIDS: Dad! Granpa! The television's here!

15. TV MEN: (Puffing) OK, watch out. It's just gonna make

it. [BEAT] Oof! It's heavy! Right down here all

right?

16. MOM: Perfect! Oh, it's lovely! Such a beautiful

cabinet! Thank you so much. Um, would you like to

stay and watch when we turn it on?

17. TV MEN: Well, uh, sure, Mrs. Carswell. Thanks! I mean,

if you're sure it won't be no trouble.

Scene Seven (cont.):

1. MOM: Oh, certainly not. I'll put on some coffee. Oh,

here comes Del. Did you get it all hooked up,

Dear?

2. DEL: Yeah, I just have to pass the cable through the

window and attach it, right here I think.

3. TV MAN: That's right, Mr. Carswell. It don't matter

which way it goes on but you might have to move

the antenna 'round some to get the best picture.

4. DEL: Right. Well, That's it. Let's plug it in and

try it.

5. KIDS: Oh, Boy! Here we go!

6. SOUND: CLICK [BEAT]

7. SOUND: STATIC, UNDER

8. TV MAN: There you go. Now just tune the converter to

channel twelve.

9. SOUND: UHF CONVERTER CLUNKS

10. DEL: There's something. Presto!

11. KIDS: It's too fuzzy!

12. GRANPA: It's no better than the dad-blasted radio!

13. DEL: Hang on! I'm going up and turn the antenna.

Shout up to me when it's right, OK?

14. SOUND: FOOTSTEPS HURRYING AWAY





Scene Eight: On the roof

1. SOUND: NEIGHBOR'S LAWNMOWER IN DISTANCE

2. SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON ASPHALT SHINGLES

3. SOUND: SIGHS OF EXERTION

4. DEL: There! Now, let's see...

5. SOUND: LAWNMOWER OFF

6. NORBERT: Hey, Delbert! Whattaya doin' up there? You got

a leaky roof or sumpthin?

7. DEL: ( Sotto voce ) Geez, Norbert. Not now. (Shouts)

Oh, Hi Norbert. No, uh, the roof's fine. Just

adjusting this antenna for the television.

8. NORBERT: Ah! So, you got one of those, did you? I guess

we won't be seeing you all that much anymore then.

9. DEL: Huh? Whattaya mean, Norbert ? I don't get it.

10. NORBERT: Well, since Phil and Ethel got theirs, they never

come out of the house. Just sit inside, starin'

at the screen all the time.

11. DEL: (Sighs.) ( Sotto voce ) What a jerk! They're

probably just trying to get away from you.

(Shouts) Yeah, OK Norbert. Thanks for the tip.

12. MOM: (Shouts from below) Are you turning it, Del?

13. DEL: Yeah, OK... I'm turning it...

14. MOM: ...other way!

15. SOUND: LAWNMOWER STARTS UP, UNDER & FADE

16. DEL: OK... How's that?

17. MOM: That's it! C'mon down. Quick!

18. DEL: OK! Hold that ladder tight, will you Dad? I'm

coming down!

19. GRANPA: I've got it, kiddo!





Scene Nine: Living room

1. SOUND: KITCHEN DOOR SLAMS

2. SOUND: FOOTSTEPS HURRYING INTO ROOM

3. DEL: Hurry!

4. GRANPA: I'm hurryin'!

5. SOUND: STATIC UP, ANNOUNCER VOICE BECOMES CLEAR

6. ANNOUNCER: ...from Yucca Flats, New Mexico, less than a

minute away now from this first ever live

broadcast of...

7. MOM: That's it! Look! It's clear!

8. DEL: What is it?

9. MOM: Shhh!

10. ANNOUNCER: ...to unleash an explosive force of over sixty-

thousand tons of TNT, in history's first ever

Hydrogen-atom bomb... Mr. Molotov, Mr. Kruschev,

We hope you are watching.

11. GRANPA: Eh? What'd he say?

12. MOM: Dad! Please!

13. DONNY: I'm scared, Mom.

14. DARLA: Me too!

15. MOM: It's OK, children. Don't worry!

16. ANNOUNCER: ...now the countdown... nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three. two, one, ZERO!

17. DARLA: I can't look!

18. DONNY: What's Happening! It's going all snowy again!

19. DEL: Good God!

20. GRANPA: What in the blazing hell is that supposed to be?

21. MOM: It's a new kind of atom bomb, Dad, like the one

they dropped on the Japs, only better.

22. GRANPA: Aw, pshaw!

Scene Nine (cont.):

1. SOUND: STATIC AND RUMBLING UP, UP, AND SLOW FADE







Scene Ten: The Carswell Family Yard

1. SOUND: CAR ENTERING DRIVEWAY, STOPS, DOOR OPENS & CLOSES

2. SOUND: PUP'S HAPPY BARKING, UNDER

3. DEL: Hey, Toby! Where is everyone on such a beautiful

afternoon?

4. SOUND: PUP'S WHINING

5. DEL: ...and your water dish is empty? (Sighs.)





Scene Twelve: Inside the Carswell home

1. SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON PORCH STAIRS

2. SOUND: HOUSE SCREEN DOOR OPENS

3. DEL: Hi, Honey... I'm home... Hello?

4. SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ACROSS KITCHEN FLOOR

5. SOUND: CARTOONS SOUNDTRACK FROM LIVING ROOM, LOUDER

6. DEL: So! Here you all are!

7. SOUND: CARTOON SOUNDTRACK, GROTESQUE NOISES

8. KIDS: (Laughing.)

9. MOM: Sorry, Dear. I was just getting ready to start

dinner.

10. GRANPA: I tell you, the human body can't move like that!

11. KIDS: It's just a cartoon, Granpa. (More laughter.)

12. GRANPA: Aw, pshaw!

13. MOM: C'mon, Dear. I'll start dinner now. Come into the

kitchen and tell me about your day.

14. SOUND: CARTOON SOUNDTRACK, FADE UNDER

15. SOUND: KITCHEN RATTLING, POTS & PANS, UNDER

16. MOM: What's the matter, Del? You look worried.

17. DEL: It's that television. I come home from work and...

it's like nobody lives here. I'm afraid we're all

becoming slaves to the damn thing...

18. MOM: Nonsense, Dear. We're just enjoying it, that's

all. Why, even Granpa likes it... in his own way.

19. DEL: Mm-hmm. And how about Toby... Does he like it

too? He doesn't even have any water.





Scene Twelve (cont.):

1. MOM: Oh, Del! [BEAT] Look. It's Friday night. Why

don't we go and visit Alice and George up at their

cottage this weekend, just the two of us. They've

been after us to come for a long time. It's so

quiet and peaceful there. They don't even have

electricity, much less a television. We'll get a

sitter to stay with the kids and Granpa. What do

you say?

2. DEL: (Sighs.) All right, I'm game. We better take

Toby, too. He needs some attention.

3. MOM: Now you're talking! We'll start packing right

after dinner.

4. DEL: I'll start right now. Where' all my fishing stuff?

5. MOM: In the garage, right where you left it last fall.

6. DEL: Oh, Right!

7. SOUND: KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

8. SOUND: KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AGAIN

9. MOM: Now what?

10. DEL Honey, I just wanted to say... you're an angel.

11. SOUND: KISS

12. MOM: How sweet, Dear. But hurry up, now. I'm busy.

13. SOUND: COOKING SOUNDS, UNDER

14. DEL: OK! Here I go.

15. SOUND: KITCHEN DOOR CLOSES [BEAT] [BEAT]

16. SOUND: KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AGAIN

17. MOM: (Deep sigh) Really, Del! If you're feeling so

romantic, maybe we should have dinner at a

restaurant or something... (Alarmed) Hey! What's

wrong?

Scene Ten (cont.):

1. DEL: I can't go!

2. MOM: What do you mean you can't go? Why not?

3. DEL: The Sugar Ray Robinson fight! It's on tomorrow night!

4. MOM: Del! What are you saying? [BEAT]

5. DEL: Honey... I can't miss that! [BEAT]

6. SOUND: TELEVISION SOUNDTRACK - BOXING MATCH - FADE UNDER

7. SOUND: TELEVISION SOUNDTRACK - CARTOONS - FADE UNDER

9. SOUND: - COLLAGE OF PERIOD TELEVISION THEMES AND SOUND CLIPS - FADE

END

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